Living in the Moment Sucks

“We tend to think of the rational as a higher order, but it is the emotional that marks our lives, One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment”

~Merle Shain

Living in the moment sucks. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, not knowing where we will be sleeping Wednesday night because I really don’t want to spend $600 for a week in a hotel, again. The ebb and flow of emotions is exhausting. I’ve spent my entire life fighting my emotions, feeling guilty for them, not knowing how to deal with them, thinking there was something seriously wrong with me for having so many emotions. Now I am in a place where I am choosing to sit with my feelings, listen to them, honor them, accept them, and move on. Going back and forth between excitement and hope to helplessness and anger is probably one of the more difficult experiences of my life. It’s not the living in a hotel that is the problem ( although there are definitely parts that I can’t wait to be done with), it’s my desire to rush through this part of my journey. But to think of it another way, I am where I am supposed to be. Everything in my life has led up to this moment. I am ready for this experience now in a way I was not ready even a few months ago. I am witnessing my own strength and growth. I feel a peace (well, the majority of the time) that is irrational considering what we are dealing with.

This brings me around to my current understanding of “God”. This all used to be so clear to me. Faith was simple. Or I tricked myself into believing that it was. Now, I want to believe in a loving creator, but I am not sure how to do so. I see evidence in my life of something “looking out for me” but how do I reconcile that with all of the people that don’t seem to have that? What makes me think I am so special that I have some sort of connection with the divine, but then there are humans living in trash piles? How can I be living in a hotel room, and not completely satisfied with that, while others are living in boxes? I don’t like driving so far and spending so much money on gas, while others are walking farther in a day than I have probably walked in the last year to spend pennies on food for the day. How can I think that some god is going to provide for my ridiculous needs, when they aren’t providing basic necessities for the truly poor of this world? When LGBT folx are dying by their own hand for lack of love and understanding from those who claim to know the creator best? When innocent babies and children are dying after knowing nothing but pain and suffering? When black fathers and sons are being killed in their own backyards for holding a cell phone? When women are being raped and abused but their cries for help go ignored?

Yet- I can’t deny that my needs ARE being met. I have more support than I ever could have imagined. I have amazing people in my life that love me and tell me how great I am. I have people that I admire and look up to that admire me (?????). I have a roof over my head. I have my family with me. I have children that are healthy and love me. I have more food in my belly than I need. I have books. I have internet access . I have clothing. I have a loving husband.I have a growing relationship with my father that I never thought would happen. I am experiencing a truly audacious year beyond what my original plans were. I see the little daily miracles that I choose to view as holy. My growth as a human, my connections to other living beings, the beautiful state that I live in, the gentle breeze on a warm day, my child telling me that I smell like banana bread and feel cozy and warm, the confidence and safety to come out of the closet…

I don’t know what “god” is. I am finding new words to name that thing- the creator, the universe, the source, the connection of love between all of us. Is this the God of the Bible that I have always worshipped? I don’t know. Maybe it is and I am just understanding in a way that I never have before. Maybe I am opening up and crushing that box that I have been keeping them in my whole life. Maybe they are showing me the truth as I have never understood it before. Maybe I am deluded. Maybe I am just believing what I want to believe. That’s not off limits anymore. It’s okay to find what works for me. It’s okay to be uncertain. I don’t have to have all of the answers right now. I have the answers that I need to have for today. I’m learning to trust the process. I’m trusting myself and my source to give me what I need for each day. I don’t need to be scared of the unknown or the fires of hell. I know that MY GOD doesn’t send people to hell for seeking their truth.

Being content in my faith didn’t teach me much, except to continue accepting the status quo. I got to a point where that wasn’t enough, I wanted more, I wanted better. So here I am, showing up day after day and it hurts so good. This pain is making me the person that I want to be, the person that I have always been but never had the courage to let out into the light. It’s so scary, but it’s awe inspiring. I am inspiring myself every day.



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Queer she/her reader/writer PTSD/BPD ACOA Feminist on lifelong quest to learn more and be a better human Like my content?